Today as a reward for cleaning the toy room, the kids were allowed to do 100 pushups.

Dad to Mom: Don't let me forget I have broccoli in my pocket.

I really need to remember that when my kids report that someone says bad words (in this case the F word) at school, they have a different view of what that word actually is. Imagine my relief when I was told someone said the word "fart".

I was talking about dropping off some toys to donate, and my daughter said "You mean to Old Navy?" Salvation Army, close enough!

At dinner tonight my son had mashed potatoes on his ear.

There are pop tarts in my car's cupholder.

Sooo... now they have dolls with pets that poop rainbows, jewels and glitter??

My son told me he only snores one night of the week.

Got a great compliment today from one of the kids in my daughter's girl scout troop: "I've never seen a grownup that acted like a kid before."

So since Friday is 7/4, should I expect to hear mortar shellings this weekend, next weekend or both?

At the zoo an old woman in a wheelchair told my daughter that the camel's humps were made of fat, just like her boobies!

I need a sign for my front door that says "Baby napping. Knock if you want to die."

The older kids are like the baby's PR managers. They set him up for this morning's spiderman pic, demanded I post it on facebook, and have been requesting updates on how many likes it received and from who.

So I was officially the "get off my lawn you damn kids!!" guy tonight. The adult school smokers always sit on my rocks and smoke. Tonight I dropped the hammer. We'll see if I get tp'd tomorrow.

Nice first day of flag football. We have the master playbook with plays: lightning, race car, eagle and ninja. Gotta make it fun

Acts of God

During every big storm: Yes I'm sure our house is not going to get blown away. No we're not going to get struck by lightning or get flooded.