Man Toilet Training

Dad: Made my son clean the toilet when he peed on the seat. You're welcome to his future wife.

Fat & Happy Puppy

One of the kids put the box of dog treats upside down and OPEN. I pick up box, treats dump all over floor. Dog is ecstatic.

Teeny Tiny Tot

Dad: My five year old daughter is too small and skinny to set off the automatic door sensors!

Melting Mom's Heart

Son: Mom, you're 31?? I thought you were like 24!!

Look on the bright yellow side

On the positive side, if the cat hadn't peed on the shower curtain I wouldn't have gone downstairs to throw it away and noticed the dog pee on the floor.

Stuffie Overload

Max stuffed animals allowed (per the rules) in the bed: 3. Stuffies in my daughter's bed: 19.

Stick Together

Mom: Is that your friend?
Son: Yeah he's my friend because he sticks with me!

The comfy chair?

Mom: My daughter was playing and handing out pretend punishments - "I will make you sit in the uncomfortable chair!"

Gold Stars

Daughter: Mommy, I'm so proud of you for going on the potty. Here's your sticker!

Alphaburp

Dad: My son can burp words on command. I'm so proud! Don't tell Mommy!

Howling Good Time

Daughter: Mommy stop singing, you're hurting the doggy's ears!

No W's allowed

Mom: My daughter is so organized, she has to have all the M&M's facing up and separated by color before she eats them!

Zzz Thunk Zzz

Mom: My duaghter fell out of bed and continued sleeping on the floor!

Barf Zoo

My kids' summary of their zoo field trip: There was a kid who barfed so he got to ride in the wagon the whole time

At least it's not a tattoo!

Mom: Whats all over your arms?? Daughter: Stencil drawings with marker that MIGHT come off!

Under the Sea

Dad: Watching little mermaid now I'm totally on King Triton's side.

Skinny surfers

Mom: Watching "Soul Surfer" and my daughter says "Fat people can't surf" The things kids learn from the movies

Wendy Lady

Daughter: Mommy that Peter Pan is a silly boy
Mom: You're a silly girl
Daughter: You're a silly boy Mommy. (Insert immense giggles here), No, I'm just kidding Mommy, you a girl.

Princesses of Pop?

Daughter: the Disney princesses aren't real, but I saw a real princess on a magazine once! Mom: Do you remember her name? Daughter: Ummm I think it was Michael Jackson?

Oh Baby

Daddy: Why can't you stop wiggling?? Daughter: (shouting) I've just got that Justin Bieber song stuck in my head and I can't stop dancing!!!

Happy ARGH new year!

A parent's new year: Went to change the automatic cat litter boxes only to discover that it has eaten the plastic bag, so I had to take it apart the whole thing covered in filth.
One daughter woke up sick and barfing, and the other daughter peed her bed.
When I was doing laundry for the barf and pee soaked sheets, a wipey fell into the utility tub and clogged it. So when the washer emptied it flooded the laundry room. Barf water went pouring into the basement. AAGGGHH

Santa Threats

Kids asked "Can we please go clean our rooms?" - I love Christmas.

Who's on first?

Daughter: One, two, three stripes you're out!

No Junkie

I must have the only kid in the world that cries about having to eat pizza rolls.

Glam Gloss

Gramma: What's that on your eyebrows??
Daughter: Lip gloss! My face was dry!

Speed Sassy

Mom: No running in the house!
Daughter: I'm speed walking!

Monkey Town

Tonight my daughter sang us the song "welcome to monkeytown"

Sit up straight

Just gave my son a wedgie at the dinner table

Woshang!

Watching Empire Strikes Back, and my daughter was SOBBING as Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite. My son is jumping up and down rooting for Luke. He says his "lightsaver" goes WOSHANG!!"

Blue Movie

Son: Daddy, I want to ray blue that movie because I know what that
means!

Repeat after me

Mom: Come to the table sweetie, it's dinner time!
Daughter: (on play phone) Just a minute kiddo, ok?

Who's that pokemon?

Dad: Are you done going poop?
Son: No, I have one more poke-poop.
Dad: What?
Son: It's like a pokeball but it's a poop!

Chain of Command

Mom: When I tell my five year old not to do something, she whispers it into her two year old sister's ear and has her do it!

Wakey Barfey

Woke up at 1:30 in the morning being barfed on. No words, my son just walked into the room and barfed on me.

Clean Crayon

Went to clean my tablet screen with the special cloth, only to discover my daughter's name written on it in crayon!

Fair Warning

Daughter: Mom I'm gonna toot in your car!

TP tricks

(after wiping his butt and the tp got stuck and was hanging out)
Son: Daddy look I have a tail!

Man Boobs

Daughter: Daddy, a boy at school said that only girls have boobs, but
that's not right because YOU have boobs!

Umbarfrella

There's barf on my umbrella

Tryrannatops

My son's favorite dinosaur is the "tryrannatops"

Tri-shirt

Apparently I will have to inspect my son's outfits in the morning as he had on three shirts today. I informed him that the maximum number of acceptable shirts is two, unless he starts doing the laundry.

Hippie Shake

Daugther: Daddy when you snuggle with me I only have enough room to hippie
hippie shake!

Poop boxes

I wonder if in some faraway galaxy there are cat people who have to clean out human litter boxes

Snow dog

Dear dog: it is Saturday morning and everyone is sleeping in. If you keep barking I'm going to shave you and throw you in the snow!

Quad Shirt

Mom: ... do you have three shirts on? Son: No.. four!

Pop Cry

What is it about balloons popping that automatically makes kids cry?

Grant Me Wishes!

(Pointing to a man in a turban)

Granddaughter: Gramma, why is that man dressed like a Genie?

Creek Poop

Big excitement at the bus stop this morning, someone found poop in the nearby creek!

Pee Humor

Just took my boy to the movies for boys night out. He loved the part where Gulliver pees on everyone!

Manly Man

Dad: Why aren't you crying? Son: Because I'm a man!!