Wakey Barfey

Woke up at 1:30 in the morning being barfed on. No words, my son just walked into the room and barfed on me.

Clean Crayon

Went to clean my tablet screen with the special cloth, only to discover my daughter's name written on it in crayon!

Fair Warning

Daughter: Mom I'm gonna toot in your car!

TP tricks

(after wiping his butt and the tp got stuck and was hanging out)
Son: Daddy look I have a tail!

Man Boobs

Daughter: Daddy, a boy at school said that only girls have boobs, but
that's not right because YOU have boobs!

Umbarfrella

There's barf on my umbrella

Tryrannatops

My son's favorite dinosaur is the "tryrannatops"