My son fell hands first into the toilet today.

There was a fork on the floor of the bathroom stall today.

My son's logic on Frozen: Kristoff should have just taken Anna to the really hot sauna that was right by Elsa's castle.

The things we say as parents. "Honey, you have some cheese dip on your shoulder."

I packed a blueberry muffin in a little plastic bag to take to work. When my back was turned my toddler son opened the bag and gave the muffin to the dog.

To help encourage the kids' soccer team to score goals, I made a deal with them that I'd do 10 pushups for every goal they scored. My daughter's team scored 14 goals this week and 8 last week, so I now owe 220 pushups. Apparently it's working.

At the children's sermon today: "Why do you think we make a bigger deal about Mother's Day than Father's Day?" My son: "I think Dads just want to take a nap!"