At dinner tonight my son had mashed potatoes on his ear.

There are pop tarts in my car's cupholder.

Sooo... now they have dolls with pets that poop rainbows, jewels and glitter??

My son told me he only snores one night of the week.

Got a great compliment today from one of the kids in my daughter's girl scout troop: "I've never seen a grownup that acted like a kid before."

So since Friday is 7/4, should I expect to hear mortar shellings this weekend, next weekend or both?

At the zoo an old woman in a wheelchair told my daughter that the camel's humps were made of fat, just like her boobies!

I need a sign for my front door that says "Baby napping. Knock if you want to die."

The older kids are like the baby's PR managers. They set him up for this morning's spiderman pic, demanded I post it on facebook, and have been requesting updates on how many likes it received and from who.

So I was officially the "get off my lawn you damn kids!!" guy tonight. The adult school smokers always sit on my rocks and smoke. Tonight I dropped the hammer. We'll see if I get tp'd tomorrow.

Nice first day of flag football. We have the master playbook with plays: lightning, race car, eagle and ninja. Gotta make it fun

Acts of God

During every big storm: Yes I'm sure our house is not going to get blown away. No we're not going to get struck by lightning or get flooded.

But how.. what.. nevermind.

Tonight's adventure is brought to you by my son, who dropped fingernail clippers into a #2 unflushed toilet.

Whasat?

Our little guy has been saying "whassat?" and pointing at everything.

My favorite is when he sees food on your plate that he wants, he goes "whassat? AAAAAHHHHHH" and even has his tongue hanging out.

CSI At Home

Someone left a sunscreen hand print on the wall.

Time to line up the usual suspects and see whose hand fits the crime

Opposite Day

Dad: Ok, if we go to McDonalds and you don't get a shake, what flavor are you not going to get?

Son: Well today is opposite day so I am NOT going to get a chocolate shake!

Dad: Hmm the force strong with this one.

Shopaholic

Please fasten child securely in grocery cart so they can squirm around backwards and get stuck.

Nature boy

Kind of feel like running naked and yelling swear words in the house at 1 am since we have no kids here!

The barbie channels

Wow. On demand has an entire category for Barbie movies.

Eyes cream

Son: If you got ice cream in your eye, would it hurt?
Dad: No, ice cream is made of chopped up eyes, that's why they call it eyes cream.

Raking water

Sometimes cleaning the house is like trying to push water uphill with a rake.

Get lost cupid!

One of the boys in my dauther's class made a valentine ONLY FOR THE GIRLS of him making a kiss face and hearts floating in the sky.

He is now officially BLACKLISTED.

Drop and give me 20 minutes

First Saturday in months we can sleep in. If any of my children wakes me up early, I am sending them to military school.

Does God cover data plans?

Mom, can you send text messages to people that are in heaven?

Or spaghioli?

Hey Dad if you mix ravioli and spaghettios it's raviolios!

Uranus sounds funny

Dad: What's your favorite planet? Son: I have two, Earth and Uranus. Me: What do you like so much about Uranus? Son: It just sounds funny! (Me trying so hard not to laugh)

Shoe drama

My teenage 8 year old was crying over losing her favorite pair of socks, and is now giddy over how much she loves her new dress shoes. Wow.

Deep pockets

Mom: Can you call my phone? I can't find it. (Dad calls phone) (Mom's pocket starts ringing)

Kid overload

Four Dads twelve kids and a Gramma at the movies. Yes we're crazy.

So it begins

A boy called and asked if my oldest daughter could come over. Anybody got a shotgun?

Sweet sorry

Such a sweet girl. Oldest daughter was in trouble for being crabby, so she went into our room, straightened up our bed and left a sorry note!

Private bites

Tried to convince the kids we should move to the forest and be nudists. (aka no more laundry) They said we can't or we'd get mosquito bites on our privates. They may have won that argument.

Barf o'clock

Pop quiz for parents: What happens right after your kid walks in your room at 2am crying because their belly hurts so bad??

Creepy crawly car

Driving home the kids saw a big spider crawling on the car ceiling! Had to pull over quick and squash it amid screaming girls.

Illustrious illustrations

Mom: My daughter wrote a new hit novel "Apple Orchard" and even wrote that it was "Illustrated" by her. All the critics are raving about it.

Pop pop

Sort of sad that being a grownup has made me really hate balloons.

Clap happy

The clapping games have begun. Something about peppermint patty and kissing in the dark??

Pushy princesses

Mom: Did you play that card game with your friends this morning? Daughter: No, I didn't play "princess match" this time because "it was getting too rough".

Awenominal

Son: Mom, this dinner was awesome and phenomenal. It was "awenominal"!

Movie madness

Had a nice calm quiet time at the movies. Except for when my little girl spilled her drink all over me, and when the baby cried the entire time for Mommy. Time for some drinks and parking my butt on couch!

Cereal slam

Amazing. Baby gets his hands all wet from stuffing cheerios in his mouth, then he takes his flat hand and slams it down on more cheerios. They stick to his hand and he eats them off. Repeat.

Slanding

Dad: What's going on buddy? Son: Oh I was just sleeping standing. I was "slanding".

Burp alert

Baby was asleep on Mommy tonight. Right when I walked by he woke up and said *BURP* DADA!

Art master

My son brought an artwork masterpiece home from school. It was labeled "Colored poops" and was a bunch of ovals, all the colors of the rainbow!