Happy ARGH new year!

A parent's new year: Went to change the automatic cat litter boxes only to discover that it has eaten the plastic bag, so I had to take it apart the whole thing covered in filth.
One daughter woke up sick and barfing, and the other daughter peed her bed.
When I was doing laundry for the barf and pee soaked sheets, a wipey fell into the utility tub and clogged it. So when the washer emptied it flooded the laundry room. Barf water went pouring into the basement. AAGGGHH

Santa Threats

Kids asked "Can we please go clean our rooms?" - I love Christmas.

Who's on first?

Daughter: One, two, three stripes you're out!

No Junkie

I must have the only kid in the world that cries about having to eat pizza rolls.

Glam Gloss

Gramma: What's that on your eyebrows??
Daughter: Lip gloss! My face was dry!

Speed Sassy

Mom: No running in the house!
Daughter: I'm speed walking!

Monkey Town

Tonight my daughter sang us the song "welcome to monkeytown"

Sit up straight

Just gave my son a wedgie at the dinner table

Woshang!

Watching Empire Strikes Back, and my daughter was SOBBING as Han Solo gets frozen in carbonite. My son is jumping up and down rooting for Luke. He says his "lightsaver" goes WOSHANG!!"

Blue Movie

Son: Daddy, I want to ray blue that movie because I know what that
means!

Repeat after me

Mom: Come to the table sweetie, it's dinner time!
Daughter: (on play phone) Just a minute kiddo, ok?

Who's that pokemon?

Dad: Are you done going poop?
Son: No, I have one more poke-poop.
Dad: What?
Son: It's like a pokeball but it's a poop!

Chain of Command

Mom: When I tell my five year old not to do something, she whispers it into her two year old sister's ear and has her do it!

Wakey Barfey

Woke up at 1:30 in the morning being barfed on. No words, my son just walked into the room and barfed on me.

Clean Crayon

Went to clean my tablet screen with the special cloth, only to discover my daughter's name written on it in crayon!

Fair Warning

Daughter: Mom I'm gonna toot in your car!

TP tricks

(after wiping his butt and the tp got stuck and was hanging out)
Son: Daddy look I have a tail!

Man Boobs

Daughter: Daddy, a boy at school said that only girls have boobs, but
that's not right because YOU have boobs!

Umbarfrella

There's barf on my umbrella

Tryrannatops

My son's favorite dinosaur is the "tryrannatops"

Tri-shirt

Apparently I will have to inspect my son's outfits in the morning as he had on three shirts today. I informed him that the maximum number of acceptable shirts is two, unless he starts doing the laundry.

Hippie Shake

Daugther: Daddy when you snuggle with me I only have enough room to hippie
hippie shake!

Poop boxes

I wonder if in some faraway galaxy there are cat people who have to clean out human litter boxes

Snow dog

Dear dog: it is Saturday morning and everyone is sleeping in. If you keep barking I'm going to shave you and throw you in the snow!

Quad Shirt

Mom: ... do you have three shirts on? Son: No.. four!

Pop Cry

What is it about balloons popping that automatically makes kids cry?

Grant Me Wishes!

(Pointing to a man in a turban)

Granddaughter: Gramma, why is that man dressed like a Genie?

Creek Poop

Big excitement at the bus stop this morning, someone found poop in the nearby creek!

Pee Humor

Just took my boy to the movies for boys night out. He loved the part where Gulliver pees on everyone!

Manly Man

Dad: Why aren't you crying? Son: Because I'm a man!!

Screechy Birthday

Son: Daddy the lemurs are screeching because they know it's my
birthday!!

Oh Snap

Mom: I'm not happy that you didn't nap today.
Daughter: Well, I'm happy that I didn't have to sleep. Oy!

Cold Kids

This morning my daughter was complaining about being cold, so I went in to her room to see why and she was stripped naked sitting on the heat register.

Zany Zoo

Daughter: Daddy if you don't take me to zoo boo next year I'll never
look at you!

Heavy Doodie

Son: Daddy I need a wrench to help get my poops out!

Uncle Smelly

Daughter: My uncle tickles me and calls me stinky butt!

Dancin machine

In the women's locker room after my three year old boy's swimming
class, he dropped his pants and started gyrating his pelvis saying
Mommy look at me!!

Pave the earth

Daughter: Mommy we live on earth, and the other kids live on the
cement!

Tree Terror

Daughter: Daddy you can't go to work in your underpants because you
might get hit by a tree!

Caveman Dad

Daughter: Daddy you can grow hair on your face, but you need to shave
your arms!

Tree Pop

Son: Daddy, if you drink and party you'll pop into a tree!

Multi Talented

Son: Daddy I have big pieces of poop and little pieces of poop!

You'll Go Down in History

Daughter: Gramma when were you born?
Gramma: 1942
Daughter: Isn't that when Columbus sailed the ocean blue?

Who let the stinks out

Son: I'm closing the bathroom door so no stinks get into our rooms!