My son has spent the last few minutes yelling "Luuuuke I am your faaaaatherrrr" into the fan. So proud.

Life can be awesome, and just a piece of poop at the same time. (found in my son's school journal)

Kids are upstairs supposed to be going to bed, but they are running around, laughing, slamming doors and yelling. I yell up "WHAT IS GOING ON???? Son says "Well, we were getting our pjs on and then older sister did the Wuxi Finger Hold on little brother and sent him back to the spirit world."

Found a toothbrush stuck in the vacuum cleaner today.

When you dunk your cookie in your coffee and a big chunk of it falls in, it's kind of a happy sad moment. Sad because your cookie just broke off, but happy because you know at the end of your cup of coffee there will be a coffee soaked mushy cookie.

I was trying to scare my sons while we were walking in the dark, so I said "You really have to watch out for alligators." My other son said "No, sharks are way scarier." and my youngest said "NO you really have to watch out for hammer head sharks because they will HAMMER you if you're not looking."

Today at bedtime prayers we siad thank you for basketball and sledding and hot cocoa and video games and legos and pizza. One son said it was about the best day ever. The other said thank you for his new band aid.

Waking up my son this morning and the first words out of his mouth are "Dad what do you multiply 2 by to get 117?"

I wonder how many more years I'll still be carrying sleeping kids upstairs.

My son declared himself the King, and was placed in charge of making sure everyone was cleaning. He loved the job and was pointing his scepter at kids like "You! Clean this over here!"

Dad: You can't leave the house today. Daughter: Why? Dad: Because there are boys out there and you're just too pretty. Daughter: (eye roll) That's both nice and offensive!

Not sure if my son is giving his brother a hug or putting him in a headlock.

It's cool, gravy spilled all over the car increases the resale value.

The dog tried to eat steel wool this evening. Apparently it was time for dinner.

Sitting on the toilet, my son decided he would lower his butt down to dip it in the water.

It's like they just wait until you're in the bathroom before starting absolute chaos

My son fell hands first into the toilet today.

There was a fork on the floor of the bathroom stall today.

My son's logic on Frozen: Kristoff should have just taken Anna to the really hot sauna that was right by Elsa's castle.

The things we say as parents. "Honey, you have some cheese dip on your shoulder."

I packed a blueberry muffin in a little plastic bag to take to work. When my back was turned my toddler son opened the bag and gave the muffin to the dog.

To help encourage the kids' soccer team to score goals, I made a deal with them that I'd do 10 pushups for every goal they scored. My daughter's team scored 14 goals this week and 8 last week, so I now owe 220 pushups. Apparently it's working.

At the children's sermon today: "Why do you think we make a bigger deal about Mother's Day than Father's Day?" My son: "I think Dads just want to take a nap!"

My daughter says that one of her classmates looks British. Not sure what that means?

Today as a reward for cleaning the toy room, the kids were allowed to do 100 pushups.

Dad to Mom: Don't let me forget I have broccoli in my pocket.

I really need to remember that when my kids report that someone says bad words (in this case the F word) at school, they have a different view of what that word actually is. Imagine my relief when I was told someone said the word "fart".

I was talking about dropping off some toys to donate, and my daughter said "You mean to Old Navy?" Salvation Army, close enough!

At dinner tonight my son had mashed potatoes on his ear.

There are pop tarts in my car's cupholder.

Sooo... now they have dolls with pets that poop rainbows, jewels and glitter??