Terrible ones

Mom: I think my son is trying to be an over achiever and start his terrible twos at one.

Poop basket

Dad: Son, stop pretending to poop in the laundry basket!

Dog food baby

Mom: So apparently we can throw away all the toys and just buy our baby a dog food bowl, since that's the ONLY thing he wants to play with!

Blacklisted

Dad: One of the boys in my daughter's class made a valentine ONLY FOR THE GIRLS of him making a kiss face and hearts floating in the sky.
BLACKLISTED.

Brains down the drain

Daughter: Daddy what does this "blond" shampoo do?
Dad: It makes your brains go down the drain.
Mom: I HEARD THAT!!!

Eyes Everywhere

Mom: My daughter gives me a hug and goes to touch the back of my head.
She gets a thoughtful look and very seriously asks why she can't see the eyes in the back of my head!

Ice Cream Cart

New shopping strategy, ice cream in the cart to prevent straying from my list and getting outta here! :)