I packed a blueberry muffin in a little plastic bag to take to work. When my back was turned my toddler son opened the bag and gave the muffin to the dog.

At the children's sermon today: "Why do you think we make a bigger deal about Mother's Day than Father's Day?" My son: "I think Dads just want to take a nap!"

Today as a reward for cleaning the toy room, the kids were allowed to do 100 pushups.

I really need to remember that when my kids report that someone says bad words (in this case the F word) at school, they have a different view of what that word actually is. Imagine my relief when I was told someone said the word "fart".

At dinner tonight my son had mashed potatoes on his ear.

There are pop tarts in my car's cupholder.

My son told me he only snores one night of the week.

So since Friday is 7/4, should I expect to hear mortar shellings this weekend, next weekend or both?

I need a sign for my front door that says "Baby napping. Knock if you want to die."

The older kids are like the baby's PR managers. They set him up for this morning's spiderman pic, demanded I post it on facebook, and have been requesting updates on how many likes it received and from who.

Nice first day of flag football. We have the master playbook with plays: lightning, race car, eagle and ninja. Gotta make it fun

Acts of God

During every big storm: Yes I'm sure our house is not going to get blown away. No we're not going to get struck by lightning or get flooded.

But how.. what.. nevermind.

Tonight's adventure is brought to you by my son, who dropped fingernail clippers into a #2 unflushed toilet.

Whasat?

Our little guy has been saying "whassat?" and pointing at everything.

My favorite is when he sees food on your plate that he wants, he goes "whassat? AAAAAHHHHHH" and even has his tongue hanging out.

CSI At Home

Someone left a sunscreen hand print on the wall.

Time to line up the usual suspects and see whose hand fits the crime

Opposite Day

Dad: Ok, if we go to McDonalds and you don't get a shake, what flavor are you not going to get?

Son: Well today is opposite day so I am NOT going to get a chocolate shake!

Dad: Hmm the force strong with this one.

Shopaholic

Please fasten child securely in grocery cart so they can squirm around backwards and get stuck.

Eyes cream

Son: If you got ice cream in your eye, would it hurt?
Dad: No, ice cream is made of chopped up eyes, that's why they call it eyes cream.

Raking water

Sometimes cleaning the house is like trying to push water uphill with a rake.

Or spaghioli?

Hey Dad if you mix ravioli and spaghettios it's raviolios!