The dog tried to eat steel wool this evening. Apparently it was time for dinner.

Sitting on the toilet, my son decided he would lower his butt down to dip it in the water.

It's like they just wait until you're in the bathroom before starting absolute chaos

My son fell hands first into the toilet today.

There was a fork on the floor of the bathroom stall today.

My son's logic on Frozen: Kristoff should have just taken Anna to the really hot sauna that was right by Elsa's castle.

The things we say as parents. "Honey, you have some cheese dip on your shoulder."

I packed a blueberry muffin in a little plastic bag to take to work. When my back was turned my toddler son opened the bag and gave the muffin to the dog.

To help encourage the kids' soccer team to score goals, I made a deal with them that I'd do 10 pushups for every goal they scored. My daughter's team scored 14 goals this week and 8 last week, so I now owe 220 pushups. Apparently it's working.

At the children's sermon today: "Why do you think we make a bigger deal about Mother's Day than Father's Day?" My son: "I think Dads just want to take a nap!"

Today as a reward for cleaning the toy room, the kids were allowed to do 100 pushups.

Dad to Mom: Don't let me forget I have broccoli in my pocket.

I really need to remember that when my kids report that someone says bad words (in this case the F word) at school, they have a different view of what that word actually is. Imagine my relief when I was told someone said the word "fart".

Sooo... now they have dolls with pets that poop rainbows, jewels and glitter??

My son told me he only snores one night of the week.

Got a great compliment today from one of the kids in my daughter's girl scout troop: "I've never seen a grownup that acted like a kid before."

At the zoo an old woman in a wheelchair told my daughter that the camel's humps were made of fat, just like her boobies!

So I was officially the "get off my lawn you damn kids!!" guy tonight. The adult school smokers always sit on my rocks and smoke. Tonight I dropped the hammer. We'll see if I get tp'd tomorrow.

Nice first day of flag football. We have the master playbook with plays: lightning, race car, eagle and ninja. Gotta make it fun

Acts of God

During every big storm: Yes I'm sure our house is not going to get blown away. No we're not going to get struck by lightning or get flooded.