Eyes cream

Son: If you got ice cream in your eye, would it hurt?
Dad: No, ice cream is made of chopped up eyes, that's why they call it eyes cream.

Raking water

Sometimes cleaning the house is like trying to push water uphill with a rake.

Get lost cupid!

One of the boys in my dauther's class made a valentine ONLY FOR THE GIRLS of him making a kiss face and hearts floating in the sky.

He is now officially BLACKLISTED.

Drop and give me 20 minutes

First Saturday in months we can sleep in. If any of my children wakes me up early, I am sending them to military school.

Does God cover data plans?

Mom, can you send text messages to people that are in heaven?

Or spaghioli?

Hey Dad if you mix ravioli and spaghettios it's raviolios!

Uranus sounds funny

Dad: What's your favorite planet? Son: I have two, Earth and Uranus. Me: What do you like so much about Uranus? Son: It just sounds funny! (Me trying so hard not to laugh)