Daughter just said I am the "Laundry Monster" when I come into their rooms late at night, bones cracking when I walk, and with a THUD the laundry basket is dropped on the floor. Then there is a loud sigh and I creak and pop out the door.

Kids are upstairs supposed to be going to bed, but they are running around, laughing, slamming doors and yelling. I yell up "WHAT IS GOING ON???? Son says "Well, we were getting our pjs on and then older sister did the Wuxi Finger Hold on little brother and sent him back to the spirit world."

I wonder how many more years I'll still be carrying sleeping kids upstairs.

Dad: You can't leave the house today. Daughter: Why? Dad: Because there are boys out there and you're just too pretty. Daughter: (eye roll) That's both nice and offensive!

It's cool, gravy spilled all over the car increases the resale value.

It's like they just wait until you're in the bathroom before starting absolute chaos

To help encourage the kids' soccer team to score goals, I made a deal with them that I'd do 10 pushups for every goal they scored. My daughter's team scored 14 goals this week and 8 last week, so I now owe 220 pushups. Apparently it's working.

My daughter says that one of her classmates looks British. Not sure what that means?

Today as a reward for cleaning the toy room, the kids were allowed to do 100 pushups.

I was talking about dropping off some toys to donate, and my daughter said "You mean to Old Navy?" Salvation Army, close enough!

Sooo... now they have dolls with pets that poop rainbows, jewels and glitter??

Got a great compliment today from one of the kids in my daughter's girl scout troop: "I've never seen a grownup that acted like a kid before."

At the zoo an old woman in a wheelchair told my daughter that the camel's humps were made of fat, just like her boobies!

The older kids are like the baby's PR managers. They set him up for this morning's spiderman pic, demanded I post it on facebook, and have been requesting updates on how many likes it received and from who.

Acts of God

During every big storm: Yes I'm sure our house is not going to get blown away. No we're not going to get struck by lightning or get flooded.

CSI At Home

Someone left a sunscreen hand print on the wall.

Time to line up the usual suspects and see whose hand fits the crime

The barbie channels

Wow. On demand has an entire category for Barbie movies.

Raking water

Sometimes cleaning the house is like trying to push water uphill with a rake.

Get lost cupid!

One of the boys in my dauther's class made a valentine ONLY FOR THE GIRLS of him making a kiss face and hearts floating in the sky.

He is now officially BLACKLISTED.

Does God cover data plans?

Mom, can you send text messages to people that are in heaven?