Me: Son, why do you keep flushing the toilet? Son: I'm dumping my cereal down the drain.

Son: Dad. Dad. Dad dad dad dad. DAAADDD. Dad dad dad. Dad!!! Me: WHAT. Son: Um... I forget.

Daughter just said I am the "Laundry Monster" when I come into their rooms late at night, bones cracking when I walk, and with a THUD the laundry basket is dropped on the floor. Then there is a loud sigh and I creak and pop out the door.

A bird pooped on the handle of my mailbox.